No Reservations

I don't have any clear reason as to why I am writing this blog entry. All I know is that I have to leave something behind before I turn 19 in the next 30 minutes.

I am not happy about my age. I know that most people older than me would think I am crazy for complaining but there's something about being 19 that freaks me out.

I am scared of getting old, to be more specific, I am scared that people will expect me to act my age. I don't want to be 19 - or act like I am 19!

This entry will be a farewell to my 18th year and a hello to the next.

It felt a little like being in the Hanna Montana world in that booth of Lewis & Pearl. As you can see from the pictures, I was totally hooked to that orange leather jacket.HOT!HOT!HOT!

I almost took home the orange headband, good thing I remember it's not mine.

It's a good reminder of one not-so important day. It doesn't always have to be a special day to take pictures.

We missed Nin and Moubee here. Maybe next time. Scratch the maybe, it's for sure.

^.^

Wait for your someday.

It's coming.

Losing a hundred friends in a day is so not a good thing.

That happened to me today. I have Z-E-R-O friends in Friendster!

Looks like that iconic Friendster Smiley cannot smile anymore. Haha!

It is time to finally move on.

Leave your freaking Friendster now!

And in case you're looking out for me and you don't find me here, I am just on Facebook.

I will see you there.

"It's like him holding my hands for a time,

and then I, letting it go,

only to wait for him to take it again"

I am in the dark, I walk and talk without seeing anything.

Everything depends on gut-feel.

Everything has to be dug from somewhere very deep.

But to be in the darkness is one way to find yourself, too.

As we tend to depend on what can be seen, we sometimes forget to notice the things

that are more than what our eyes meet.

To be in the dark is to be in the safest, most comfortable place.

It is a hiding place.

Cold as it may be, it is sanctuary when all that is with light have left.

Because as light may seem so friendly, it may be very unpredictable, too.

One moment it's there, it is gone the next.

Darkness will always be there. Waiting for the time when nothing is left and then

there it goes to the rescue.

It is my "Love of the Unknown" that entices me to go farther.

I want to see what

darkness is hiding.

I want to dig deeper than this darkness' pool of words.

I want to know what darkness thinks of that awful four-letter word.

I want to know if with darkness, there is more.

*Don't worry about the alignment, you won't be needing it in the dark.

Love, Jean

Finally I got the courage to write something about it. I don't usually talk about death until I have convinced myself that it has really happened. To tell you the truth, Yuki's blog is opened in another window just so I can read it and time and time again, tell myself that it's true. Three days have passed, lots of texts messages have been sent for confirmation but still it's very hard for me to say that he passed away.

We were seatmates, so maybe I can already call him a friend. Plus the fact that I can open his bag to see if he has a candy I can eat, maybe we really are friends. But we were never the closest. If there's one time I felt that we're close, it's that one day we talked about how he feels but then someone called me and we never got to finish the conversation.

The last time I saw him, he was walking along the pathway at school. He didn't see me. If I had known that it was the last time I will ever get to see him, I would have talked to him instead of searching for LDC.

I wanted to visit his funeral. So, I asked someone who knows his family if we can still come visit. She said she'll text me once she gets the details. I received a text at 7:45 this morning, saying his funeral is at 8am. I was late again. Just like the ID lace I promised I would  give him, I was late and this time, there's no extension.

He told us once that he won't be going to the same school the next semester. I asked him where he is going, he jokingly said, "To London."

So, maybe you're in London now, huh? Send my regards to a friend living 'round there. =))

Kuya, this is my only way of saying goodbye to you. I was trying to see if you were around the other night but I guess I was just fooling myself then. Wherever you are, you must be feeling better now.

 I told you not to do it, but you still did. Sabi ko sa'yo lagot ka sakin e

* Thank you for the free handouts you gave me. And the ID lace, I'll give it to you when we see each other again. I'm sure we'll see each other again. Thank you for a semester of friendship.

It's your time, I'll be waiting for mine.

Until then, Friend.

"For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace".

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I have been through the hardest times. I have been depressed, frustrated and felt insecured and lonely but then there is not a chance or a moment that I cried. I once told someone that crying is my inabilty. I have always believed that it is, until today.

For the first time, I was "in the mood" enough to sweep the floor without Mama having to tell me that I should. It was a rare chance in the house that I do something without anyone's command. So, Mama felt really glad. I swept the floor of the whole house, even cleaning the every little corners to make sure it is dust free.

Everything was going really fine until I reached the terrace where I found the gummy bears -- two dead mice, that is. I freaked out! I did not know what to do that I just screamed and run until I got inside. My whole body just froze. Mama thought something bad happened (well, what happened is really bad) so she rushed outside only to find those gummy bears on the floor. I went on to tell my sister what happened since we were in live chat during then. When Mama touched my shoulders to ask me if I'm fine, I screamed and freaked out! I just felt that that moment, everything that touches me can be a mice and for the first time in such a long time, I cried.

It did not end there, I cried again when my "beloved" brother tried scaring me while I was trying (yes, trying) to walk on the floor where I saw the gummy bears. I was so scared 'cause I thought those little creatures were still there. I cried once more, this time, harder and with lots and lots of tears. I don't understand but I just can't stop myself from shedding tears. I was like a little girl wiping my tears with my shirt even gasping and sobbing. It's hard to imagine, I know. LOL.

It's silly that those little things can make me cry like a child but then those huge other things stay unexpressed and kept deep down inside. Weird.

So you want to make me cry?

You don't have to break my heart.

You don't have to betray me.

You, actually, don't have to make it something big.

Gummybears will always do the trick.

So, who the hell out there wants to make me cry?

Go out and try.

"One Sweet Love"

Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon


Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

Well, I didn't write this (though, I wish I did), it's a song by Sara Bareilles which btw, I can totally relate to!

Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love and never notice that I did? Oh, I wish not.

So, what do you think?

I've been to the doctor today and finally cleared things about my freaking spinal cord! hahaha..

He (btw, he was VERY late) said that my condition is not scoliosis. I don't know if I can be glad that it is not. According to him, my condition is (i actually forgot what it is, the term is just so medical, only Kalabaw would understand!). So there.

Now I have to spend my long awaited vacation visiting the hospital for my 12 sessions of therapy. I computed, and it's like consuming my whole vacation period!

That means I can't go over to my cousin's for a short vacation, I can't spend time with my Duper and Mega.

AND, there's more! I have to wear back braces! I don't know when but he said that in the near future I'll have to. I'm imagining myself now walking like a robot. That's just so ugly!

But maybe I'm just overreacting. HAHAHAHA. I'm still hoping for good things, just like what I've always been doing my whole life!

*prays*

For the last few years (yes, years!!!) I've been having back pains. I never thought it was anything serious 'cause I usually feel it only when I am super-tired. Last Saturday and today, I visited the doctor to get a check-up, she said I have scoliosis!!!

Now for all of you who does not know what scoliosis is, this is what Wikipedia told me:

Scoliosis is a medical condition in which a person's spine is curved from side to side, and may also be rotated. It is an abnormal lateral curvature of the spine.

I don't worry much cause when I saw my spine on my x-ray result, it's still not that curved yet. I guess, I'll be fine. BE POSITIVE!haha

I still have to go back to the doctor next Tuesday to know more about my condition. Pray for me.^.^